Jeff Waggoner, M.D.

When I was a medical student, I loved the lectures called “Clinical Pearls.” Each of these was a list of short facts and observations—”pearls”—detailing truths that were valuable, interesting, or just amusing. I have decided to offer my own version of this tradition. What follows is simply a list of stuff that has recently popped into my hea d.

I promise you that these are all absolutely true. If they are observations—generalizations for which I do not have a specific source—I will identify them as such.

1. It has been observed that any woman over the age of 15 who is awakened from sleep with abdominal pain should be considered to hav e cholilithiasis (gallstones) until proven otherwise.

2. In 30 years of medical practice, I never had a kidney stone patient debate the price of pain medication.

3. Flush free niacin, one of the most widely used forms of niacin to lower cholesterol, is truly flush free.

4. If a medication actually works for a given indication, it will have side20effects. In other words, the only medications=2 0that have no side effects—be they manufactured by pharmaceutical firms or purchased at a vitamin and supplement store—are those that do nothing.

5. Consuming flush free niacin will produce a serum level of nicotinic acid (niacin) of zero. In other words, flush free niacin is flush free because people who take it never absorb any niacin to cause flushing—or do anything else, like reduce cholesterol.

6. Although closely approximating an officer serving in The Army of Northern Virginia and carrying both the titles of General and Vice Admiral, C. Everett Koop has never led men into battle. Nor has he served as the captain of a naval vessel. He is, however, a surgeon.

7. Since 9/11/2001, approximately 4,000 Americans have died in terrorist attacks.

8. C. Everett Koop had nothing to do with the creation of Smith Brothers cough drops.

9. Since 9/11/2001, it has been conservatively estimated that 700,000 Americans have died because they lacked access to medical care or because of medical errors.

10. The risk of dying if you are an American without health insurance is greater than the risk of having the advanced stages of diabetes.

11. There is no universally accepted definition of the term “socialized medicine.”

12. I personally cannot remember whether one is supposed to feed a cold and starve a fever or starve a fever and feed a cold.

13. Since 9/11/2001, the risk of dyi ng because of America’s health care system is 750 times greater than the risk of dying because of a terrorist attack.

14. The study that proved that an intern or resident did not perform as well at the end of 40 straight hours of work as he or she performed at its beginning is valid. It has been observed that the person who felt a study was needed to establish this fact is an idiot.

15. All bleeding stops—eventually.

16. Washing your hands in the correct way with soap and water gets them cleaner than using any of the expensive anti-bacterial preparations.

17. It has been observed that at no time in his life, under any circumstances, has George Clooney looked grungy enough to actually resemble a resident in an emergency room medicine training program.

18. For the last 6 thousand years, weather changes and infection have destroyed more civilizations than any other forces.

19. It has been observed that nature, time, and patience are the 3 greatest physicians.

20. 40 % of the price of an individually purchased health insurance policy goes to administrative fees charged by the insurance company.

21. Willow bark is a natural source of salicylic acid, the simplest form of the drug acetosalicylic acid (aspirin).

22. If taken for a headache, though not as natural as willow bark, 2 aspirin produce far fewer splinter injuries to the mouth.

Dr. Waggoner is a family practice specialist at Weisbrod Memorial Hospital in Eads.